Everyone wants a fairytale ending, but the trouble with this world is that nothing ends in a fairytale way, since it either keeps on going or you leave it in a rather inconvenient manner.
Also, unlike most holiday specials, the happiest ending points are usually not on Christmas Day or the last day of Hannukah or Boss Appreciation Day. Since syndicated entertainment willfully denies capturing the reality of the timing of true resolutions, I think I’ll enlighten y’all up in this business.
With respect to my extended family, Thanksgiving appeared to be a great stopping point for happily ever after, but unfortunately the Thanksgiving carols ground to a halt, the holiday ramen went stale and the poinsettia bush has wilted under the weight of so much pudding (I don’t judge your dead tree and eating candy out of your socks, okay?)
Some people say [person] is dead to them; my parents are on life support to me. The desire for closeness and genuineness can be satisfied only on the condition that I don’t desire closeness and genuineness. I can squeeze more connection out of a random encounter at the local mortuary than from the people I share genetic code with.
I know it sounds like I’m being harsh, but that’s largely because I’m officially done with feeling abandonment and shame. I know that some people like to take it and simply ask for someone to pass the pepper, but I’m not in the mood for it anymore.
The people who saw me spawn drop their unhappiness on me without notice, and the last straw came a week ago in a phone conversation where my dad indicated in no uncertain terms that my wife is a more pleasant and decent human being than I am. To ensure that he wasn’t misunderstood, he quickly changed the subject to how cute my son is and what a good job my wife is doing of raising him.
Thankfully, he took the high road and made sure that he had distance between me and him through the phone. As a general rule, I like to stab people in the front, and generally I only stab my enemies.
The encounter on Christmas Eve didn’t fare much better. By God’s grace I’ve learned to back off and not confront everyone about their problems they have with me, and that has made this a very special Christmas.
Normally, in the past, I held the extremely creepy and confusing role of being both the Family Problem and the Gifted Superchild. Now that you can’t scrub two Jell-O’s between how much I actually care about their approval, I’ve been demoted to simply the Family Problem and my brother has now attained that sacred trophy.
In practice, this was probably the most awkward time I’ve ever had with them. Their minds are a bit like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. It was its own entertainment of mine to behave in a way they never would have expected: apathetic with a glimmer of snark and sprinkled with a pleasant smile.
The turmoil that came from the occasion was short-lived, but potent. My Goomy Muffins and I made it a point to indicate our viewpoints on parenting that differed from theirs (i.e. Universe > Child), and that made them extremely uncomfortable. The humor lied in the fact that they’re so emotionally constipated that they can’t even confront the conflict that’s screaming at them to be confronted!
They did give us money, which feels like extortion but not quite like bribery. The way we figure it, it’s because when they asked if we needed something we said we didn’t, and apparently a pull-off-every-day calendar or a 83-in-1 blender or a collectible Barbie Playdate set with karate chop action is too much of a risk to give me or my Wobble Doublers.
Thankfully, we only had to suffer 2 hours of it and avoided the Extended Cut Director’s Extra Shame Edition.
Today, some friends from church have gone out of their way to invite us for Christmas dinner to their home. This is a special occasion for me specifically, since I’ve been too much of a social retard in the past to be the miserable character that is the object of the main character’s redemptive act in every Christmas special freaking ever.
Also, two weeks from the last post and I’m 2/3 of the way done with getting through Swift Academy. I have one day of training left, 3 days of borientation and a riveting DMV test.
After I’m certifiable, I’ll ring in the new year with a driver mentor for a month. At that point I’m officially paid to move objects from one place to another place in a large thing! You can watch my vlog on it here.
I actually forgot that I did in fact spend Christmas somewhere in the past! It was with my awesome friend Billy and his awesome wife Stephanie. He’s starting a tattoo career, so check him out!