No New Adventures

One of the troubles with daily life is just how daily it is. As much as it would be nice to resolve all things immediately, God decided in His infinite wisdom to not let our dumb little impatiences and inane requests ruin the experience He meticulously crafted for those who He has called His children.

My job has been going quite well, and after years of desiring a coveted title followed by about 6 months of no longer caring about it I have now progressed in career capacity to the official work environment of “supervisor”.

Employment Tip: Your boss is just as human as you, but their authority comes solely from the fact that they can make you deeply consider your career decisions if you make them angry enough.

Now, granted, I’m working in a temporary position but, God-willing, I will be transitioned into a more permanent role. This doesn’t bother me too much, since the way I’ve discovered this role was by the pure fluke chance of God’s provision via random chance, but that’s a story for another day.

This job has forced my Scooby Bumpers and I to really really slow down on our life decisions. It’s amazing what a little bit of normalcy can do to your ability to relax!

Relaxation Tip: Never relax all the muscles in your body at once. If you do you’ll get a heart attack and large brown mess, in that order.

In this relative normalcy, God has Trumped our comfort zones and been draining the swamp. It hasn’t been very Hillarious, and we can honestly say that our congress in rectifying our feelings hasn’t reached a resolution.

Politics Tip: Fat people on Facebook are a reliable form of mass media, and even with the political discourse as heated as it is I don’t give two Pence worth about it.

Several months ago, God stomped out my selfish desire to be a missionary. In my ambition to over-zealously compensate for my horrible upbringing, I forgot that God needed to be glorified for it to happen. The current season has solidified this realization by teaching me to “tend the sheep” like Moses before I scale upwards later, though it’s a wife and son in this case instead of a bunch of dumb animals.

On the other end of the family chromosome mix is my dear Tubey Floobers, and recently the battle has been connected to discovering massive trust issues brought about by her mother. The trouble with trust issues is that it’s kinda hard to tell someone they have trust issues, and that has been a strange bickering and fighting ordeal loving and intimate connection between the two of us.

Logic Tip: Don’t bother wasting your time calling someone a liar or a hypocrite unless you have an audience. They always build a paradox to keep their facade real inside their mind. This statement is false, and you’re an idiot for thinking it isn’t.

Thankfully, we’re moving forward, but man God has a sense of timing that’s irritatingly slower than ours! At least the baby is getting bigger from all that food, and a bigger baby means a larger food bill, so that’s not necessarily a better thing.

So, overall, not much happening, except that we’re just carrying on in this season of dullness. Obviously, this isn’t to say it’s going to stay that way. Right now we’re still playing catchup with my past unemployment.

The great thing about saving money is that you get a chance to not die because someone in the payroll department took a vacation to visit Anchorage for a few weeks and left the temp without many instructions on how to carry on the work. The downside is that once you do acquire a means of gainful and legal money-making, it takes a few months to get back to living off of your prior paycheck.

Once money becomes more of a thing, we’ll have more fun and do more other things that take money, but for right now it’s simply waiting and getting older and closer to dying without doing all 354 things we want to do.

Family Tip: If you don’t like taking care of babies, just wait 3 years and they’ll stop being babies. It also is safer if you don’t wash them, since it can protect you from throwing the baby out with the bath water.

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Wasteful Thinking

In recovering from many tragedies, we often attribute the answer to be an instantaneous conversion from the previously inopportune circumstance. More often than not, however, the reality of it is that we have to wait upon the provision of our solution.

This isn’t to say it’s hopeless. In fact, waiting on the answer to happen is significantly more enjoyable than waiting on the answer to become obvious. Arguably, most of the waiting a Christian will make is of the oblivious variety, but sometimes He’s nice enough to clue us in if He knows it won’t make us wet our pants.

Speaking of wet pants, the avoidance of doing so usually involves a toilet in the West, and that has been one of the more engaging matters we’ve been ruminating and reading upon.

Social Media Tip: It’s not good to share crap on the Internet, but it’s perfectly normal to talk about crap, so here we are.

For you newer readers, my Slurry Sealers and I have been living in a large fifth-wheel recreational vehicle from the early 1980’s. We received it from a pair of Christian siblings (Chris & Chloe Milligan, if you want to give a shoutout) that saw our complete destitution and gave it more lovingly than our then-stingy pride was willing to accept. A few months later God finally humbled us enough to accept it without hesitation, and they have been generous in letting us stay on their property in exchange for me doing miscellaneous things for them.

The first project was to make the roof stop imitating Swiss cheese, and that was a week of hard OSHA-uncertified labor. The second was pulling out the original vintage chic carpet and laying stick-on tiles. The third was curtains to keep the sun from making us die.

From there, the projects were put on hold for a while due to NMS (No Money Syndrome). With my rather amazing job at UPS, the work is continuing, starting with the second-greatest need known to man, which closely follows the first: a place to poop.

Sales Tip: As much as turd-polishing is considered best practices in much of the marketing world, they’re not usually being literal, though there are probably exceptions for manure sales.

This RV has trouble moving objects forward sometimes. A toilet, as you may know, runs a long conduit down from the hole you sit on into either a municipal system or, like in our case, a septic tank. Somebody in Engineering probably fell asleep at the drafting board and designed the thing to travel at a right angle. The man is now probably collecting his pension, but we still have to suffer his oversight, as a 90° angle serves as a crappy way to expedite the flow of goods to its intended destination.

An additional problem is that our black water valve doesn’t work, which makes the fancy RV breakdown fluids hard to use. It can stay open with a prybar and several hours away from other humans or can be hammered closed, and the budget requires us to wait on a new valve, since me being able to wear clothes to work and drive to work without an exploding car is slightly more important.

This hole problem has lent us some alternative approaches, and we’ve made a new business plan for it. We only have a few answers right now, but the Specialized Committee for Abatement of Toiletries (SCAT) made up of my Poopy Pushers and I have a few options at our disposal:

  1. We have a long snake that just barely reaches the bottom of the toilet, but it’s only long enough to touch on the problem approximately 47.356% of the time.
  2. There are some leftover garbage garden hoses sitting around the property, and we can often give a solid shove with a purging enema, but sometimes it backfires.
  3. Once we’ve gotten the black water valve replaced, we can start using heavy chemicals the way God intended.
  4. In the meantime, we’ve figured out that moist waste is moving waste, and the best way is to take a page from nature and keep it hydrated and topped off with water.

This problem may actually become a protracted one, since it keeps popping up and flowing abundantly over, and we’ve learned many life lessons through all of this. They are certain to serve to improve the quality of life for us in the long-term (somehow).

  • Liquid waste is worse than dried waste.
  • Dead maggots are easier to clean up than living ones, and those suckers get fat when they’ve got lots of food!
  • Human waste starts smelling like compost when you leave it in an enclosed space for 2 weeks
  • Most importantly, healthy eating makes it all better.

Hygiene Tip: When the weather outside gets frightful and you have no place to go, let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.

Communicating Values

Though it’s a day late, happy Father’s Day! I’m sure you had a grand time-honored festival involving lederhosen, whipped cream and a slightly annoyed bulldog. For my Fuzzy Yummums, our new person and I it was a bit more toned down.

After fulfilling the routine and mostly uninteresting Sunday things, we spent time eating cake and reflecting upon our depressing brood and sorting through the right way to inspire our mix-and-match genetic hybrid to be a more qualified person after we’ve discovered precisely what God really looks like.

Family Tip: Always prepare your child for the miserable and unfulfilled adult life they will someday have. Get them working as soon as they can grab things. Teach them the value of silence once they can speak. Help them understand the value of hard work by forcing labor on them without compensation (there are no child labor laws for family yet!).

The two of us spent a good deal talking about the seemingly inpenetrable emotional constipation that both of our spawning families have, which has shown itself through some profoundly retarded communication, and for your educational pleasure I’ll share the current state of things along with projections for the future. If I had more time I’d use charts and make a diagram, but we’ll just pretend those things exist and won’t talk about them anymore.

The simplest communication problem is with the two notable individuals that raised my Flipperdoodle Hunhun. Her mother follows a formulaic system to reconnect with their daughter:

  1. Bring along Sperm Donor Divorced Father in the hopes that she passively submits to their undying implicit authority
  2. Avoid communicating with her in any way, shape or form if she asserts herself by asking to be respected
  3. Lurk around trying to find sources of information to make another approach, such as this blog
  4. Visit everyone she affiliated with her, including past workplaces and mothers of friends
  5. Repeat until daughter has finally seen the error of her ways

Her father uses a similarly simple system:

  1. Escape into games, work, drugs, infidelity and anything else that guarantees a genuine disconnect from other people and reality
  2. Do what anyone else says including ex-wives
  3. Recollect having a child, but keep mixing up names and birthdays from the drug abuse and forgetting which child goes to which mother

All in all, they don’t give us much trouble, though I imagine my Fudge Nuggers will have a unique and memorable experience involving the cops and a restraining order when her mother finally discovers our address.

Family  Tip: Don’t be afraid if your mother-in-law reads your blog; bank on it! The worst thing she can do is sue you for defamation. Codependency is even better, since they would never do anything to sabotage the implied connection with their Source Of All Things Good.

On the other end, things are a bit more amicable and…confusing, at least until last night.

A good God-focused marriage is like good therapy: past crap gets brought out, people talk out things, feelings are validated where nobody feels like a worthless piece of garbage freak, and everyone walks away feeling more human and somehow closer to perfection from it.

However, a bad marriage is a bit like being stuck in a concentration camp: past crap defines the current situation, nobody talks about anything meaningful, feelings are ammo for the other side, and the entire dynamic is a scraping power grab that looks like Game of Thrones if it was stupid and nobody was royalty.

I would clearly articulate my parents’ marriage as a “bad” marriage. This wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that I spent several decades being their Problem Dumpster. Once I discovered the bittersweet joyful misery of marriage that inspires growth and change, my own parents became weird.

Dysfunction is a bit like the game Hot Potato, except that it consists of several roles and some people actually learn to want those roles. For your convenience, here are the basic roles that all dysfunctional homes seem to play out:

  • Hero – seen as an infallible beacon of hope and promising results, but often has problems with happiness and self-worth, usually defines value through successes/failures
  • Scapegoat – seen as the anti-hero and always a screwup, has tons of problems and everyone assumes that it’s their purpose in life to fail
  • Mascot – the comedian, seen as the comic relief but never actually taken seriously, many of them aren’t actually funny either, usually acts as the peacemaker as well
  • Lost Child – not always a child but never actually “seen”, needs are never met because everyone’s focusing on fixing the Scapegoat

In a steadily improving or healthy home, these roles shift around all the time as each person changes and adapts to the miscellany that confronts our daily life. Unhealthy homes expect these to stay the same, which lends a lot of truth to shows like Arrested Development and Malcolm in the Middle.

Marriage Tip: Netflix is a great way to avoid having to spend money on things like dates or anniversary gifts.

In my upbringing, I was given the mixed potatoes of Hero and Scapegoat, which yielded a weird and quite unsexy inferiority/superiority complex. My mother tried to be the Hero, but her inability to take personal responsibility made her too conspicuously non-Hero-like. My father and brother would be the Silent Child and Mascot respectively, and then would swap roles when conflict happened. Life was good, well, minus the fact that everyone was unhappy, but good besides that little detail.

Now that I’ve married and started acting like it’s my God-given duty to take care of my wife and son before my extended family, it’s been difficult for roles to settle in my childhood home.

My brother moved back in and he became the Scapegoat, but he’s so much more patient and passive than I am that the conflicts are more sustained and less intense. The recent foray into marriage counseling was inspired by how my mom had become the Silent Child and wouldn’t have any of it, so recent developments have had her stealing the Scapegoat role from my brother and blaming everyone for it. My brother in turn took both the Mascot and Hero role while my dad became the Silent Child. This means that there’s no room for me in that family, since I’m no longer Scapegoat material and my brother’s the new Hero. My mom is forever bitter at me, but part of it could be marital jealousy. Eventually, my mom will probably successfully find a way to shove off the Scapegoat onto my brother, since my dad has quite a bit of experience staying under the radar. (breath) If my brother moves out or ever stops being the Hero, then they’ll come back around to try to connect with me, which incidentally has already happened.

About a month ago, my parents made an unusual request. Apparently, the marriage counselor “said” that distance from the family that is raising their newborn grandson is ideal for their marriage. My spidey senses were tingling for several reasons:

  1. What kind of marriage counselor gives guidance to cut off connection from family? Someone is obviously placing my Funny Bunny and I in a bad light.
  2. At the time I was unemployed, and what kind of parents decide to cut off communication or support at that moment? If I wanted to attain family shame I’d rather become a meth-head or go kill someone.
  3. If we were really causing problems in their marriage, the marriage counselor would have brought us in to talk. This smells like a bury-it-and-ignore-it tactic.

Gut instincts aside, I’ve honored their request. In fact, since they persisted in their vagueness, I drew a hard line to make everyone happier. I clarified that we’re not talking, with the exception of an emergency, until September 1st. In spite of this, my mother texted my Silly Slippers on Mother’s Day and my dad on Father’s Day. Apparently values mean nothing to them. Honestly, if they won’t abide by values then they can’t abide by the family we’re building here, since we must build our home in love, which can only come in spirit and truth. The tragedy is that most people desire to only stop at one of them.

Parenting Tip: Let your kids know all about what goes on with your extended family, since they see it already. We’ve already told our child all the details. We know he listened because he drooled more profusely as a response and then pooped.

Do What Works

A week ago, my Shambler Snuffers and I were brought a new blessing through my gainful consistent employment at UPS. Since then it has been a flurry of activity on our end from the mixed additional job of weed abatement that the property owner here has tasked me with.

Thankfully, only one of these jobs has a pretty steep learning curve. One of them involves me putting out fires regarding dispatching UPS drivers and the other involves me driving a tractor over a flat surface. I’ll have you guess which one.

Farming Tip: Make up songs in your head to pass the time while doing anything farm-related. It’s especially useful when you’ve bored of hearing every song that exists.

The job at UPS has been God-sent, but it hasn’t been without its unique challenges respective to our current situation. The most profound challenge has been in being able to pay for gas!

To quote Proverbs, “a rich man’s wealth is his stronghold, but a poor man’s poverty is his ruin”. Obviously working at a job is a great thing, but the whole act of commuting, paying bills, etcetera is typically paid with the previous paycheck, which was December 2nd of last year. By God’s grace, several dozen people along with Venture Church Beaumont have been more than generous in providing for our needs.

Pro Tip: The difference between someone in need and a mooch is that a mooch stays in need after the need has been fulfilled, and then sucks the life out of you after that.

This financial difficulty has been the cause of untold grief on my Gummy Wimpers’ end. About once every other day we bicker about it discuss in strong terminology about the minutiae of financial hardship.

The truth is that God permits this sort of thing to happen. For the both of us, it’s been a strong exercise in humility, since we both were raised by prideful families that believe that receiving something is akin to getting punched in the face.

However, when you really think about it, isn’t that a bit stupid? You’re breathing God’s air, eating His food, live on His property and are reading this using technology made from His raw materials. To believe we shouldn’t receive is a form of silly shortsightedness that gets us all in a boatload of spiritual trouble.

Conceit Tip: The best way to stay self-absorbed is to avoid anything that glorifies others. Between becoming a professional (something) and a stout atheism you’ll have most of your bases covered.

Of course, this barbershop quartet of pain wouldn’t be complete without the sharp falsetto of a small person’s crying. Babies do cry, but self-esteem issues and a brood of anti-social tendencies yields a lonely and mentally unstable Dippy Lippers. My Y chromosome happens to possess many benefits (lifting big things, tenaciously driven, good-looking all year round, etc) but one downside is that it inhibits my ability to relate on a feminine level.

Nevertheless, we press on. As long as nobody dies, we’ll all survive. Nietzsche once famously said “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”, but all philosophers talk of “the good life” as a wonderful cascade of joy with suffering, happiness with tragedy, love with loss, and we are simply rolling out of a turbulent season into a different kind of turbulence.

Of course, on a spiritual level, there is much more at stake. What appear to be our smallest actions in context of eternity hold drastically more value. You may think you’re alone, but at all times there is an audience of angels and God Himself watching to see what you do when you feel you’re not being observed. Ironically, God’s got such a thing for transparency that He even indicates it in the Bible!

Spiritual Tip: They’re all watching you. All of them. They see you, and you can’t escape them. That’s why they flouridate your water and hide behind the mass media. All the smiling faces are part of the secret conspiracy.

The Dark Black Hole of the Soul

When you take on a really large project, it invariably becomes an emotional extension of yourself. This may be true for most creatives in their artsy-fartsy endeavors, but it rings true universally for the normies who don’t get emotionally connected to everything they ever touch ever.

Comedy Tip: Anything you’re personally familiar with is fair game for humor. Being married to my Gunky Slimers now allows me the freedom to make fun of black people, white people, Asians, mixed people, miscellaneously-raced people, college dropouts, college graduates, the uneducated, the poor, ex-addicts and people with delusions of competence.

For me, I devoted my heart and soul to the Philosopher Accountant, and the expectation was that it was a permanent fixture added to my life. However, like any parent of a 3.25-year-old, it was time to release my baby into the world and never bother with it again, hopefully expecting it to call at least once a year or so.

This wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the timing. My Ducky Flippers and I have collectively never been through such a protracted and extreme form of poverty before. Outside of that God-changing-us-by-building-our-faith-through-ridiculous-hardships-that-come part of the poverty, I’ve created a much more analytical result out of it, and I will share it with all you lovely and/or ugly people.

Everyone has needs, obviously, and then they have wants. Wants and needs sit on a spectrum, but the more first world living you partake in the more you think your wants are actually needs:

  • Everyone needs to eat FOOD
    • It’s quite gainful to have a means to PREPARE that food to kill diseases and make inedible things be edible
      • Having a STOVE is simply a luxury, since it’s simply a fixed food preparation device
      • Having APPLIANCES are the same thing, and they’re usually meant to make everything easier
  • Everyone needs CLEAN DRINKING WATER
    • RUNNING WATER is quite convenient and decreases the likelihood of contracting various fun diseases
      • It doesn’t need to be through pipes, though!
  • Everyone needs SHELTER to stay protected from the elements
    • INTERIOR LIGHTING is simply a luxury, since the day has plenty of hours in it
    • CLIMATE CONTROL  is necessary only to the extent of protecting you from hazardous temperatures
      • HVAC of any type is purely a fancy luxury (and expensive in the hot and cold months!)
  • Everyone needs to STAY CLEAN, especially when society demands it
    • SOAP is necessary, and includes dish soap, laundry soap, hand/body soap, toothpaste, shampoo and hair conditioner
      • BRANDED SOAP is complete opulence, since you can make it yourself or buy equivalently good enough products at the dollar store
    • CLEAN CLOTHING is necessary to allow other first world people to take you seriously and actually talk to you
      • ELECTRIC/GAS WASHER & DRYER is complete convenience and a washer can be replaced with a clean plunger and a bucket, and drying can be air-dried
    • We all need a PLACE TO POOP, and the first world has many laws that inhibit where you can do the doodie duty
      • A TOILET is a wonderful thing, but it can be remedied just as easily with a shovel and/or a bush
    • A CLEAN HOUSE is nice, but it’s mostly to protect from diseases
      • BRANDED CLEANING PRODUCTS, like soap, does not need to cost much, and you can make it yourself or buy that at the dollar store as well
  • HOT WATER is a bit of a luxury as well, and has many uses due to our psychological connection with warmth
    • A SINK is connected to food preparation, hygiene and cleaning, but it certainly isn’t necessary
      • A DISHWASHER is really convenient, but is really unneeded
  • Finally, we all need SOMETHING TO DO, which historically had been in meeting all of the above needs
    • TECHNOLOGY like computers, televisions, cell phones and mobile devices are totally unnecessary to recreate
      • INTERNET ACCESS is even less necessary, but it can be gainful for researching about most things

In our own life, our extreme poverty has left us unable to even prepare food, take a hot shower or even use a toilet for a season. Some people would be mortified at this, but we’re pretty grateful, since it’s pretty much the lifestyle of 90% of the world.

This experience of ours has led us to realizing there are 3 major staples of the first world, and most people take it for granted so hard that they only complain when they fail:

  1. INDOOR PLUMBING – Running conduit through the drywall and plaster has been standard practice for a while now, but it’s to the point that it’s completely expected for it to work without incident. The downside is that when it fails it takes out the house’s structure with it or spews liquid that looks like chocolate and smells like the opposite of it.
  2. GAS/NATURAL GAS/KEROSENE/PROPANE – This is less prominent, except that everyone uses it for hot water. If you want to live further off the grid to avoid the conspiracy from affecting you (Hint: it still will) then living in an RV pretty much turns your lifeblood into propane. Even though it’s less prominent than plumbing, it’s still so vital that missing it would make many people cold and hungry. Except young bachelors, since most of them would just be cold.
  3. ELECTRICITY – Also known as man’s greatest servant, not a day goes by that you’re not using it in some way. Wrap it around a coil and its waste heat becomes  a source. Most meters use that same coil technology to bend a small bar. Connect it to a microwave transmitter set to a frequency that boils water and you’ll cook with it. Limit its transmission to being a rapid-fire Morse code signal and you have binary computer data. Without it we are practically helpless in the first world to fix our problems.

Anyway, this discovery has come right before a new development: I’m working again! I’ve now acquired gainful employment where people will pay money for me to do things!

Life Tip: Money is an arbitrary means of exchange meant to simplify the process of trading 55 cows for 10 wagons, but golly gee darn it’s useful to keep from not starving!

I’m working at a parcel service that was united some years ago. I’ll share more details about that after I actually start working at UPS!

Competence Tip: Don’t count your chickens before the watched pot boils, since a penny saved is early to rise. Don’t trust whitey, and always brush your teeth after every conversation.

Philosophy Is Accounted For

As I’ve mentioned in the past, my personal brand of insanity drove me to answer every question ever. Once I realized that every question ever has too many answers and it would take me at least 107 years, I scaled it back to answering every relevant question ever.

Life Tip: Relevant things are stuff like “how not to die” and “how to avoid dying of cancer”. Freud is all about that, but replace all instances of “die” with “sex”.

The relevant questions are a bit easier to sort through, and my site devoted itself to that purpose:

After you’ve gained awareness of what’s going on in and around you, learn to analyze that information. You’ll obviously reach unanswered questions, and that’s where understanding the hereafter can help.

This awareness should lead to learning what happiness is. It starts by learning how to break free from the initial unhappiness and then involves establishing good lifelong habits. One of the most important habits is to forgive and release from the garbage others dish out.

Of course, being happy is the first step to any success, and it will make you more productive. You’ll start by learning how to set proper goals, but then you’ll want to improve your working environment and adapt your routine daily habits. A vital habit is being organized, and the essence of all good productivity involves finding creative answers to problems. One of the greatest tools of all time is the computer, and it’s worth learning shortcuts, especially for Internet browsing, Google products, Apple products and Microsoft Office. If you’re interested in an even more productive experience, there are an array of websites to help with that and you can always tweak the settings to get what you need done.

Happiness is also key for effective money management and it’s very important to do, and cutting out debt and budgeting are part of what it takes to be a millionaire. Learn to spend money more wisely and cut down on costs, then use that freed-up money toward your goals, which may include finding ways to make some extra money. It’s wise to also consider the big money decisions, which include going to college, becoming unemployed, managing your car, getting married, having a baby, buying a housecelebrating holidays, going on vacations and family deaths. Life becomes much easier if you plan ahead, which is the point of investing and insurance, and you will want to teach your kids about money management as well. If you do well, you will be able to retire someday and leave an inheritance.

Of course, money is worthless without staying healthy, and that is most effectively accomplished through sleeping well and keeping your memory sharp. Unfortunately, getting sick and hurt is inevitable, but there are ways to make it easier. In the long-term, you will want to know how to prepare food so that you can more effectively manage your weight to a healthy level.

Becoming personally successful is not as complicated as books say it is, and you can start on it today! It will require changing many parts of your life to get to it, and you will want to give up many times on the way, but you can attain it if you learn how to persevere.

Of course, success alone is depressing, and you’re going to want to share it with others. Learn how to respect others, then start into conversations with strangers. You’ll have to learn all the unspoken rules of society, but you can overcome most of them through being tactful and learning how to be charming. If you succeed enough, you will make friends in doing this. On the way, you’ll encounter liars, conflicts and may even have to worry about legal issues with others. However, by learning to write well, overcome the fear of public speaking and how to teach others, you will affect the masses.

The business world can be scary, but it’s a vital part of society. Accounting is its basis, and it helps to understand the terminology. Marketing is the most familiar part, but most people aren’t aware of how it works, which is why Multi-Level Marketing is so prevalent. All new ideas go through an innovation adoption cycle, and the only way to make a profit on them is through protecting your intellectual properties. Changing jobs working under someone else is challenging, but if you prepare for it and set proper goals, you will be able to craft an image and find leads that can lead to an interview. Successful interviewing will allow you to get a new job, and hopefully you’ll find more opportunities at it than your old one. Alternately, you can go into business for yourself by taking an idea, making a business plan and carrying it out.

All success is personal leadership, but a leader is more than simply a successful person. A person will first learn professional discipline, then will learn to work well with others. Eventually, they will be given the responsibility of making a team and managing it. If they can learn to lead leaders, then they will eventually run organizations.

Of course, all of this doesn’t matter if your personal life is lacking. This is most easily resolved if you maintain a clean home and improve and decorate your house into a home. Though moving can be stressful, there are ways to alleviate that pain as well. If you have a decent home, you can focus more readily on romantic relationships. Finding the right person can lead to marriage, which then often leads to having children. Being a parent is its own art, but it is a temporary one.

Life is dull without having fun, though! Unfortunately, some people don’t even know what fun really is. If you’re bored on the Internet, you have plenty of choices to choose from, and throwing a party is one of the most fun things you can do. By yourself, you can still find some amazing artists that constantly break the rules to make things interesting. If you want more involvement, get a pet or volunteer somewhere. If you need an escape, you can go on a vacation, or you can simply learn how to predict the weather more easily. Eating and drinking itself can be improved, and there are better ways to enjoy alcohol, coffee and tea. Developing a sense of humor is necessary to have fun, and that can be compensated for by learning jokes.

(breath)

Of course, surviving is important as well, and it helps to understand basic first aid and be prepared for a disaster. You never know when the government will overstep its boundaries, society collapses in on itself or how long it will last.

Life Tip: Collating and categorizing everything ever takes a lot of work. Be sure to set aside a few afternoons for it.

This all has manifested into a nice mission statement for myself and I was able to update what the site even is, now that it’s a past-tense project.

It’s taken a whole day to decompress, since this project has been in limbo for 3.29 years. Once any project goes that long, it’s a bit like sending your son off to college or rehab or whatever.

Success Tip: Rehab is for quitters, and Tony Robbins says to never give up, so Tony Robbins says I shouldn’t give up huffing bleach.

There’s a little reality of life I’d like to share with y’allseses. That reality is about expectations.

Let’s say you grew up in a home where everyone yelled at things and people that annoyed them. Dad yelled at the car, mom yelled at the baby, sister yelled at mom, Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Mort yelled at each other with Italian body language, Grandpa Omar yelled at the TV and nobody in particular and Grandma Hilda was mute so she used really big gloves.

From this, you would conclude that you should yell to get what you want. Unfortunately, most girls don’t take kindly to yelling and most boys will get tired of it. Eventually when your puberty hits you’ll discover that yelling gets you sent to the juvenile hall, prison or the principal’s office, sometimes in that order.

Family Tip: DON’T YELL. DON’T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU’RE YELLING, ESPECIALLY ONLINE. NOBODY LIKES SOMEONE WHO YELLS, AND THEN WHEN THEY REPEAT THE SAME THINGS WHEN THEY YELL IT GETS IRRITATING, SO DON’T DO IT.

Now, if you’re yeller, then you’ll keep losing out on opportunities from friendships or jobs and won’t get to go to the cool people parties. All the rest of your family concluded that people just suck in general and there’s nothing to do about it, but your youthful naiveté drove you to believe a different answer. That answer was that maybe yelling wasn’t always a good idea.

Life Tip: The most inherently obvious things are the hardest to understand. That’s why they’re so inherently obvious; they trick you into thinking that a moron wouldn’t get it, but then you fall for it when you forget that you’re a moron.

So now you’ve decided to stop yelling. This creates a profound conundrum. Apparently people are still nice to you, but they still give some degree of reservation. What you don’t know yet is that they are rejecting you from your bad breath, poor hygiene, unibrow, mange and how you won’t shut up about your gout.

Friends Tip: If someone like that interests you, just look to your nearest unemployment office. If you can get past the smell, most of them are pretty good at things that humans typically do.

Though others’ eardrums aren’t being offended, they are being offended upon all other body cavities. You may have a fighting chance to make a friend, but the crowd will still walk around you in public places, though they won’t grimace as hard.

The same goes for life goals when you’re dysfunctional. The formula to succeed is pretty straightforward, but the journey is significantly longer than you think it will be and the payout of success will leave you wondering what you missed. You didn’t miss anything; it was just that uninspiringly not that amazing.

There is hope, though. In discovering your success, you gain self-awareness of the myriad problems you didn’t realize you had! You gain the privileged information that you’re worse than you thought you were!

However, you do need to take joy in the successes you do have. Without it, you fixate on everything wrong and continue on the path of negativity that nowhere very fast.

Life Tip: We all kinda suck, but we all don’t want to admit it, so we’re really just delusional. Except you, you don’t suck of course.

Black & White Marriage

We are all morons. I don’t mean the “watch me do this thing with fire” kind of moron. I mean the “I know they’ll change if I just believe hard enough” kind. All of us are biased towards a fickle and profoundly rudimentary set of values extrapolated, inverted, invalidated and enforced through a series of social rules.

Life Tip: Don’t tell anyone how dumb they are. Only do it through the anonymity of the Internet, specifically with people you don’t know.

Among other unique developments that bring the pressure, my Froggy Whomps and I have been facing the utter apathy of my mother’s ever-present narcissism. The florid gestures she so eloquently expresses to gain attention can only be matched by the fascinatingly pathetic attempts that the husband she refuses to submit to makes towards thyself and Mrs. thyself.

For the sake of protecting the (seemingly) innocent, I chose not to divulge this bit of information, but my beloved Funky Bunny has given me permission to express the fanciful and utterly insane confrontation that happened literally ten hours after my Dippy Dribbler lost her permanent connection to our ever-growing miniature person.

Family Tip: Babies are wonderful things, which is why they are the natural inspiration for car alarms and garbage disposals. Thank God for pillows and socks!

On the day of our bundle of joy’s departure from his favorite place (and who could blame him?) my mother decided to confront me in a scene that could only be depicted in a movie:

  • Enter GREG, haggard and tired from 15 hours of slight inconvenience, followed by JANET, expectant and hopeful. JANET slinks behind GREG, hoping for a chance to interact, and is finally able to corner him behind the buzzed-in door of the NICU. Away from the risks of interruption or shift in the dynamic, JANET acts.
  • JANET: Can I talk to you for a moment?
  • GREG: (turning, expressionless from sleeplessness and fatigue) Um, sure.
  • JANET: Okay, I just want to ask you…what are the conditions for us to get along?
  • GREG: Well, it’s like I’ve said before, and what Vicky has made with her own family. We need openness and honesty. We don’t respond well to feelings alone, and we need to discuss truth to get along. Theatrics don’t work well with us.
  • JANET: (dramatic pause) Is…caring too much…theatrics? Is loving deeply…theatrics?
  • GREG: (resigned to hopelessness) Um, I really don’t know. All I know is that you’re not being on the level with us, and we can tell. That’s the funny thing about people, we all wear our hearts on our sleeve, and so we can tell when someone else is lying to us.
  • JANET: Well…maybe if you just opened up. (pauses to remember Conflict Statement #346) There’s these walls that you have, these walls, and we can’t get anywhere with them. (Remembers Conflict Statement #741) It’s a two-way road, a two-way road.
  • GREG: I understand that. Would you like for me to be very straightforward with you?
  • JANET: (nods head tearfully)
  • GREG: The truth is, you are pretty much a stranger to us. Vicky and I have no idea who you are or where you’re coming from. We don’t know what you’re thinking or your motives, so walls are guaranteed. If you want to get along with us, you need to be honest.
  • JANET: (scowl that transitions to a look of shock) Strangers!? Well, (References Conflict Statement #512) I’m not going to beg. Not for any man. Because you know what? (dramatic pause) How can you be so heartless? (tears)
  • GREG: (silence)
  • JANET: Okay, that’s fine! If you don’t want to open up, then I’m not going to beg. It’s a two-way road, and if you’re not going to see what I’ve done for you people, and how much I have given, then it doesn’t matter to you. But mark my words…(silence) there is no way that this won’t… Sometimes we behave in a way that…
  • 15 minutes later
  • JANET: That’s it, I’m leaving, I’m leaving! I’m going now…(theatric exit)

Life Tip: If everyone thinks there’s something wrong with you, then either everyone’s wrong or you are. It’s more often everyone else, because they’re all just out to get you.

This shameful moment was brought to you by years of guilt-tripping rendered ineffective against a philosophical values-based system. As much as I’d love to continue touting the benefits of non-consequentialist Christian morality interposed upon a type of hedonistic calculus, you’d be bored and I’d have less subscribers.

Suffice to say, this conflict was a turning point in my own life. For as long as I can remember, my family’s life progressed in the following way:

  1. Everyone’s pretending to be happy, except me
  2. Attention gets drawn to my mother’s wrong behavior
  3. My mother antagonizes my autism to overstimulate me
  4. My overstimulated state drives me to do something beyond my control
  5. My mother directs all focus upon me being a “bad seed”, drawing  upon all instances of the past to clarify how much of a monster I am
  6. Punishment ensues, sometimes, but I’m left with even more inconsistency to fuel the autism’s side effects
  7. Everyone goes back to pretending to be happy, except me

My Honey Blubbers and I were reading through a book called Love & Respect, and the idea is simple and powerful. A good marriage has the man loving his wife and the wife respecting her husband, which is a more modern version of the new swear word “submission“. When the woman isn’t submitting respecting him, he’ll be inspired to not love her, and she’ll be less submissive respectful of him in turn. They call that the Crazy Cycle.

I was raised where the Crazy Cycle was made stable through using me as the Family Problem™, and my decision to not play my role 1.5 months ago upset the natural order of things.

Like all ancient temples of ideology, taking the idol off the stand here made the giant boulder of my mom’s roundabout abuse barrel along, and it appears that I have lost the fedora hat of my dad as a result.

Since our child was born, we have had prison-grade connection with my dad. On top of that, my mother makes it even more awkward because she’s waiting for me to ask her if she wants to hold the baby, which is kinda dumb when you think about it (but don’t tell her).

Dysfunctional Family Tip: Become a mind reader. Everyone expects you to be one, and it helps immensely with knowing exactly what stupid rules you’re breaking that you’re not being informed about.

Unfortunately, the analogy has broken away from my father lately. Unlike a dusty sexy fedora that magically returns to its owner, my dad has enabled this dance for decades. The fact that I no longer see him as a mediation to my conflict with my mom doesn’t help his role-fulfillment either.

Pro Tip: If someone has something to gain in a conflict it’s not mediation; it’s arbitration.

Apparently their marriage has been flying off the rails recently. Ironically, my mom has been threatening divorce to my dad as a control method since the day I was old enough to know what that word meant. In truth, it’s only a control maneuver, since it’s unlikely her capacity to balance a budget or work a job is sufficient at this point for her to live on her own. Well, according to her standards, since my Jumpy Cablers and I have lived in our car three times between the two of us.

Crisis Tip: If you hit the alarm enough times, people just assume it’s defective. Until it’s too late.

The latest chapter of this psychodrama has come in the form of marriage counseling. Invariably, her tactics haven’t changed (she lies) and his tactics haven’t either (he placates) and so they’re in a world of marital hurt from all of this.

The reason this affects my Quirky Yammers and I is because we have a new human. Normally this would be par-for-the-course-oh-well-back-to-the-same-hey-have-you-tried-that-new-Congolese-restaurant-I’m-starving-let’s-go-there deal, but a baby means that there is an added social expectation upon my parents (and her parents, but they suck worse than mine) to step up to the plate and be at least token levels of supportive.

Apparently, however, the Scarlet Letter has been cast upon me once again, and the number of people affected by it has been multiplied by 2 (or 1.1, depending on how you’re counting). The therapist told my parents to disconnect from talking to us, and it was implied to be until the end of the therapy session. As it stands, however, based on what we know the sessions are over and the embargo is still in place.

Now, I’m not the type to take things lying down outside of sleep and death, and so my Wifer Bloops and I came to the agreement that we are not to talk to them until September 1st. However, upon even further consideration, it’s extremely clear that my parents desire to sabotage whatever hopes they have of redeeming the shattered remains of their connection to their only grandchild. Their apparently horrible son has wrought upon this world evils far greater than we must speak of.

Writer’s Tip: Alluding to things but not saying them is a nice trick to build suspense, but it can be a letdown if it finally is revealed without enough pizazz. It’s why Voldemort is still cool while The Great Time War depressed me.

In the meantime, my Grabby Twitters and I have ideas cooking, and here are a few:

  • After all of my own work experience in business and my wife’s ability to create things that blow your mind away stupid much, we are going to go into business for ourselves. How and what are still getting sorted out.
  • To free myself up for the obligation, I am working overtime on finishing the Philosopher Accountant and being done with it for good. More details when I finish it.
  • God may be directing us to create an orphanage. Where and how are still up in the air, but more details coming.
  • We have other thoughts about things, but we won’t know until the things happen more clearly. More details coming.

General Tip: When doing things, make sure you do stuff that is good for it, such as getting things for it and having stuff moved forward with doing it.