Philosophy Is Accounted For

As I’ve mentioned in the past, my personal brand of insanity drove me to answer every question ever. Once I realized that every question ever has too many answers and it would take me at least 107 years, I scaled it back to answering every relevant question ever.

Life Tip: Relevant things are stuff like “how not to die” and “how to avoid dying of cancer”. Freud is all about that, but replace all instances of “die” with “sex”.

The relevant questions are a bit easier to sort through, and my site devoted itself to that purpose:

After you’ve gained awareness of what’s going on in and around you, learn to analyze that information. You’ll obviously reach unanswered questions, and that’s where understanding the hereafter can help.

This awareness should lead to learning what happiness is. It starts by learning how to break free from the initial unhappiness and then involves establishing good lifelong habits. One of the most important habits is to forgive and release from the garbage others dish out.

Of course, being happy is the first step to any success, and it will make you more productive. You’ll start by learning how to set proper goals, but then you’ll want to improve your working environment and adapt your routine daily habits. A vital habit is being organized, and the essence of all good productivity involves finding creative answers to problems. One of the greatest tools of all time is the computer, and it’s worth learning shortcuts, especially for Internet browsing, Google products, Apple products and Microsoft Office. If you’re interested in an even more productive experience, there are an array of websites to help with that and you can always tweak the settings to get what you need done.

Happiness is also key for effective money management and it’s very important to do, and cutting out debt and budgeting are part of what it takes to be a millionaire. Learn to spend money more wisely and cut down on costs, then use that freed-up money toward your goals, which may include finding ways to make some extra money. It’s wise to also consider the big money decisions, which include going to college, becoming unemployed, managing your car, getting married, having a baby, buying a housecelebrating holidays, going on vacations and family deaths. Life becomes much easier if you plan ahead, which is the point of investing and insurance, and you will want to teach your kids about money management as well. If you do well, you will be able to retire someday and leave an inheritance.

Of course, money is worthless without staying healthy, and that is most effectively accomplished through sleeping well and keeping your memory sharp. Unfortunately, getting sick and hurt is inevitable, but there are ways to make it easier. In the long-term, you will want to know how to prepare food so that you can more effectively manage your weight to a healthy level.

Becoming personally successful is not as complicated as books say it is, and you can start on it today! It will require changing many parts of your life to get to it, and you will want to give up many times on the way, but you can attain it if you learn how to persevere.

Of course, success alone is depressing, and you’re going to want to share it with others. Learn how to respect others, then start into conversations with strangers. You’ll have to learn all the unspoken rules of society, but you can overcome most of them through being tactful and learning how to be charming. If you succeed enough, you will make friends in doing this. On the way, you’ll encounter liars, conflicts and may even have to worry about legal issues with others. However, by learning to write well, overcome the fear of public speaking and how to teach others, you will affect the masses.

The business world can be scary, but it’s a vital part of society. Accounting is its basis, and it helps to understand the terminology. Marketing is the most familiar part, but most people aren’t aware of how it works, which is why Multi-Level Marketing is so prevalent. All new ideas go through an innovation adoption cycle, and the only way to make a profit on them is through protecting your intellectual properties. Changing jobs working under someone else is challenging, but if you prepare for it and set proper goals, you will be able to craft an image and find leads that can lead to an interview. Successful interviewing will allow you to get a new job, and hopefully you’ll find more opportunities at it than your old one. Alternately, you can go into business for yourself by taking an idea, making a business plan and carrying it out.

All success is personal leadership, but a leader is more than simply a successful person. A person will first learn professional discipline, then will learn to work well with others. Eventually, they will be given the responsibility of making a team and managing it. If they can learn to lead leaders, then they will eventually run organizations.

Of course, all of this doesn’t matter if your personal life is lacking. This is most easily resolved if you maintain a clean home and improve and decorate your house into a home. Though moving can be stressful, there are ways to alleviate that pain as well. If you have a decent home, you can focus more readily on romantic relationships. Finding the right person can lead to marriage, which then often leads to having children. Being a parent is its own art, but it is a temporary one.

Life is dull without having fun, though! Unfortunately, some people don’t even know what fun really is. If you’re bored on the Internet, you have plenty of choices to choose from, and throwing a party is one of the most fun things you can do. By yourself, you can still find some amazing artists that constantly break the rules to make things interesting. If you want more involvement, get a pet or volunteer somewhere. If you need an escape, you can go on a vacation, or you can simply learn how to predict the weather more easily. Eating and drinking itself can be improved, and there are better ways to enjoy alcohol, coffee and tea. Developing a sense of humor is necessary to have fun, and that can be compensated for by learning jokes.


Of course, surviving is important as well, and it helps to understand basic first aid and be prepared for a disaster. You never know when the government will overstep its boundaries, society collapses in on itself or how long it will last.

Life Tip: Collating and categorizing everything ever takes a lot of work. Be sure to set aside a few afternoons for it.

This all has manifested into a nice mission statement for myself and I was able to update what the site even is, now that it’s a past-tense project.

It’s taken a whole day to decompress, since this project has been in limbo for 3.29 years. Once any project goes that long, it’s a bit like sending your son off to college or rehab or whatever.

Success Tip: Rehab is for quitters, and Tony Robbins says to never give up, so Tony Robbins says I shouldn’t give up huffing bleach.

There’s a little reality of life I’d like to share with y’allseses. That reality is about expectations.

Let’s say you grew up in a home where everyone yelled at things and people that annoyed them. Dad yelled at the car, mom yelled at the baby, sister yelled at mom, Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Mort yelled at each other with Italian body language, Grandpa Omar yelled at the TV and nobody in particular and Grandma Hilda was mute so she used really big gloves.

From this, you would conclude that you should yell to get what you want. Unfortunately, most girls don’t take kindly to yelling and most boys will get tired of it. Eventually when your puberty hits you’ll discover that yelling gets you sent to the juvenile hall, prison or the principal’s office, sometimes in that order.


Now, if you’re yeller, then you’ll keep losing out on opportunities from friendships or jobs and won’t get to go to the cool people parties. All the rest of your family concluded that people just suck in general and there’s nothing to do about it, but your youthful naiveté drove you to believe a different answer. That answer was that maybe yelling wasn’t always a good idea.

Life Tip: The most inherently obvious things are the hardest to understand. That’s why they’re so inherently obvious; they trick you into thinking that a moron wouldn’t get it, but then you fall for it when you forget that you’re a moron.

So now you’ve decided to stop yelling. This creates a profound conundrum. Apparently people are still nice to you, but they still give some degree of reservation. What you don’t know yet is that they are rejecting you from your bad breath, poor hygiene, unibrow, mange and how you won’t shut up about your gout.

Friends Tip: If someone like that interests you, just look to your nearest unemployment office. If you can get past the smell, most of them are pretty good at things that humans typically do.

Though others’ eardrums aren’t being offended, they are being offended upon all other body cavities. You may have a fighting chance to make a friend, but the crowd will still walk around you in public places, though they won’t grimace as hard.

The same goes for life goals when you’re dysfunctional. The formula to succeed is pretty straightforward, but the journey is significantly longer than you think it will be and the payout of success will leave you wondering what you missed. You didn’t miss anything; it was just that uninspiringly not that amazing.

There is hope, though. In discovering your success, you gain self-awareness of the myriad problems you didn’t realize you had! You gain the privileged information that you’re worse than you thought you were!

However, you do need to take joy in the successes you do have. Without it, you fixate on everything wrong and continue on the path of negativity that nowhere very fast.

Life Tip: We all kinda suck, but we all don’t want to admit it, so we’re really just delusional. Except you, you don’t suck of course.

Black & White Marriage

We are all morons. I don’t mean the “watch me do this thing with fire” kind of moron. I mean the “I know they’ll change if I just believe hard enough” kind. All of us are biased towards a fickle and profoundly rudimentary set of values extrapolated, inverted, invalidated and enforced through a series of social rules.

Life Tip: Don’t tell anyone how dumb they are. Only do it through the anonymity of the Internet, specifically with people you don’t know.

Among other unique developments that bring the pressure, my Froggy Whomps and I have been facing the utter apathy of my mother’s ever-present narcissism. The florid gestures she so eloquently expresses to gain attention can only be matched by the fascinatingly pathetic attempts that the husband she refuses to submit to makes towards thyself and Mrs. thyself.

For the sake of protecting the (seemingly) innocent, I chose not to divulge this bit of information, but my beloved Funky Bunny has given me permission to express the fanciful and utterly insane confrontation that happened literally ten hours after my Dippy Dribbler lost her permanent connection to our ever-growing miniature person.

Family Tip: Babies are wonderful things, which is why they are the natural inspiration for car alarms and garbage disposals. Thank God for pillows and socks!

On the day of our bundle of joy’s departure from his favorite place (and who could blame him?) my mother decided to confront me in a scene that could only be depicted in a movie:

  • Enter GREG, haggard and tired from 15 hours of slight inconvenience, followed by JANET, expectant and hopeful. JANET slinks behind GREG, hoping for a chance to interact, and is finally able to corner him behind the buzzed-in door of the NICU. Away from the risks of interruption or shift in the dynamic, JANET acts.
  • JANET: Can I talk to you for a moment?
  • GREG: (turning, expressionless from sleeplessness and fatigue) Um, sure.
  • JANET: Okay, I just want to ask you…what are the conditions for us to get along?
  • GREG: Well, it’s like I’ve said before, and what Vicky has made with her own family. We need openness and honesty. We don’t respond well to feelings alone, and we need to discuss truth to get along. Theatrics don’t work well with us.
  • JANET: (dramatic pause) Is…caring too much…theatrics? Is loving deeply…theatrics?
  • GREG: (resigned to hopelessness) Um, I really don’t know. All I know is that you’re not being on the level with us, and we can tell. That’s the funny thing about people, we all wear our hearts on our sleeve, and so we can tell when someone else is lying to us.
  • JANET: Well…maybe if you just opened up. (pauses to remember Conflict Statement #346) There’s these walls that you have, these walls, and we can’t get anywhere with them. (Remembers Conflict Statement #741) It’s a two-way road, a two-way road.
  • GREG: I understand that. Would you like for me to be very straightforward with you?
  • JANET: (nods head tearfully)
  • GREG: The truth is, you are pretty much a stranger to us. Vicky and I have no idea who you are or where you’re coming from. We don’t know what you’re thinking or your motives, so walls are guaranteed. If you want to get along with us, you need to be honest.
  • JANET: (scowl that transitions to a look of shock) Strangers!? Well, (References Conflict Statement #512) I’m not going to beg. Not for any man. Because you know what? (dramatic pause) How can you be so heartless? (tears)
  • GREG: (silence)
  • JANET: Okay, that’s fine! If you don’t want to open up, then I’m not going to beg. It’s a two-way road, and if you’re not going to see what I’ve done for you people, and how much I have given, then it doesn’t matter to you. But mark my words…(silence) there is no way that this won’t… Sometimes we behave in a way that…
  • 15 minutes later
  • JANET: That’s it, I’m leaving, I’m leaving! I’m going now…(theatric exit)

Life Tip: If everyone thinks there’s something wrong with you, then either everyone’s wrong or you are. It’s more often everyone else, because they’re all just out to get you.

This shameful moment was brought to you by years of guilt-tripping rendered ineffective against a philosophical values-based system. As much as I’d love to continue touting the benefits of non-consequentialist Christian morality interposed upon a type of hedonistic calculus, you’d be bored and I’d have less subscribers.

Suffice to say, this conflict was a turning point in my own life. For as long as I can remember, my family’s life progressed in the following way:

  1. Everyone’s pretending to be happy, except me
  2. Attention gets drawn to my mother’s wrong behavior
  3. My mother antagonizes my autism to overstimulate me
  4. My overstimulated state drives me to do something beyond my control
  5. My mother directs all focus upon me being a “bad seed”, drawing  upon all instances of the past to clarify how much of a monster I am
  6. Punishment ensues, sometimes, but I’m left with even more inconsistency to fuel the autism’s side effects
  7. Everyone goes back to pretending to be happy, except me

My Honey Blubbers and I were reading through a book called Love & Respect, and the idea is simple and powerful. A good marriage has the man loving his wife and the wife respecting her husband, which is a more modern version of the new swear word “submission“. When the woman isn’t submitting respecting him, he’ll be inspired to not love her, and she’ll be less submissive respectful of him in turn. They call that the Crazy Cycle.

I was raised where the Crazy Cycle was made stable through using me as the Family Problem™, and my decision to not play my role 1.5 months ago upset the natural order of things.

Like all ancient temples of ideology, taking the idol off the stand here made the giant boulder of my mom’s roundabout abuse barrel along, and it appears that I have lost the fedora hat of my dad as a result.

Since our child was born, we have had prison-grade connection with my dad. On top of that, my mother makes it even more awkward because she’s waiting for me to ask her if she wants to hold the baby, which is kinda dumb when you think about it (but don’t tell her).

Dysfunctional Family Tip: Become a mind reader. Everyone expects you to be one, and it helps immensely with knowing exactly what stupid rules you’re breaking that you’re not being informed about.

Unfortunately, the analogy has broken away from my father lately. Unlike a dusty sexy fedora that magically returns to its owner, my dad has enabled this dance for decades. The fact that I no longer see him as a mediation to my conflict with my mom doesn’t help his role-fulfillment either.

Pro Tip: If someone has something to gain in a conflict it’s not mediation; it’s arbitration.

Apparently their marriage has been flying off the rails recently. Ironically, my mom has been threatening divorce to my dad as a control method since the day I was old enough to know what that word meant. In truth, it’s only a control maneuver, since it’s unlikely her capacity to balance a budget or work a job is sufficient at this point for her to live on her own. Well, according to her standards, since my Jumpy Cablers and I have lived in our car three times between the two of us.

Crisis Tip: If you hit the alarm enough times, people just assume it’s defective. Until it’s too late.

The latest chapter of this psychodrama has come in the form of marriage counseling. Invariably, her tactics haven’t changed (she lies) and his tactics haven’t either (he placates) and so they’re in a world of marital hurt from all of this.

The reason this affects my Quirky Yammers and I is because we have a new human. Normally this would be par-for-the-course-oh-well-back-to-the-same-hey-have-you-tried-that-new-Congolese-restaurant-I’m-starving-let’s-go-there deal, but a baby means that there is an added social expectation upon my parents (and her parents, but they suck worse than mine) to step up to the plate and be at least token levels of supportive.

Apparently, however, the Scarlet Letter has been cast upon me once again, and the number of people affected by it has been multiplied by 2 (or 1.1, depending on how you’re counting). The therapist told my parents to disconnect from talking to us, and it was implied to be until the end of the therapy session. As it stands, however, based on what we know the sessions are over and the embargo is still in place.

Now, I’m not the type to take things lying down outside of sleep and death, and so my Wifer Bloops and I came to the agreement that we are not to talk to them until September 1st. However, upon even further consideration, it’s extremely clear that my parents desire to sabotage whatever hopes they have of redeeming the shattered remains of their connection to their only grandchild. Their apparently horrible son has wrought upon this world evils far greater than we must speak of.

Writer’s Tip: Alluding to things but not saying them is a nice trick to build suspense, but it can be a letdown if it finally is revealed without enough pizazz. It’s why Voldemort is still cool while The Great Time War depressed me.

In the meantime, my Grabby Twitters and I have ideas cooking, and here are a few:

  • After all of my own work experience in business and my wife’s ability to create things that blow your mind away stupid much, we are going to go into business for ourselves. How and what are still getting sorted out.
  • To free myself up for the obligation, I am working overtime on finishing the Philosopher Accountant and being done with it for good. More details when I finish it.
  • God may be directing us to create an orphanage. Where and how are still up in the air, but more details coming.
  • We have other thoughts about things, but we won’t know until the things happen more clearly. More details coming.

General Tip: When doing things, make sure you do stuff that is good for it, such as getting things for it and having stuff moved forward with doing it.

Forgotten Purposes

Theologically, people weren’t meant to suffer. However, we obviously do (you can argue with me about that in the comments if you want, but I’m going to power forward with this idea anyway). The challenges of suffering we face come more often from when the pain doesn’t translate to some clear-cut benefit (think of a self-circumcision kit vs having the same thing happen in a rare and unfortunate unicycle accident). Ironically, the pain lessens as we hit certain thresholds:

  1. MPIAI delusion – My Pain Is An Illusion
    • MPIAI folks tend to also hang with hardcore MLMers, prosperity doctrine people, espouse variations of that Law of Attraction crap and tend to have a tenuous grip on reality. They’ve obviously suffered, but their thoughts are magic jellybeans that make the pain magically disappear (AUTHOR’S NOTE: add sarcasm to this somehow). If you value your grasp of how the world works, avoid making MPIAIs BFFs.
  2. MLS limit – My Life Sucks
    • Unlike the other, more profitable MLS in real estate or the more entertaining MLS in soccer, this is the phase where people complain the most. Like a crying infant, the victim whines and moans about how utterly terrible life is, hoping to be tenaciously pathetic enough to find a cure for the malady. Anyone with a decent level of self-respect doesn’t stay in this phase for long.
  3. TES-IHT capacity – This Ends Soon; It Has To!
    • TES-IHT people are most clearly defined by the fact that they’ve accepted their current reality and at the same time envision a pink bubblegum future filled with candy raindrop sparkle powder rainbow unicorn riding. They are MPIAI folks that have graduated to accepting the “now” reality, but fail to acknowledge the “coming soon” possibilities of reality, so they’re on the right track.
  4. IAUS mode – I Am Undeniably Screwed
    • Anyone in MLS long enough will fall down this rabbit hole. It is a state of incessant cynicism veiled behind the delusion of being “realistic”. While MLS people are fine in public but no fun to go fishing with, IAUS dwellers have mastered the art of sucking any sense of enjoyability out of a room in the hopes of refining a small sliver of personal need fulfillment. Everyone should have one, and only one, of these people in their life. It keeps you open-minded, albeit slightly unhappy.
  5. IFATP mechanism – I Forgot About The Pain
    • This is the next step for IAUS and MLS, and it is marked by a willful carrying on in spite of the present challenges. They have decided to numb themselves to some of the self-prescribed misery and the grayness of their previous attitude has been sanded to a quiet opaque. At this point, the IAUS or MLS cynic has accepted that there is some positive merit in the present and the future isn’t guaranteed to be a bleak apocalyptic wasteland of failed expectations. It’s a humbling of the mind, since they obviously had to accept that their garbage view of the world isn’t the only realistic possibility.
  6. TIH-BH phase – There Is Hope: Blind Hope
    • TIH-BH would be a delusion if it weren’t a matter of having a vision. Anyone that desires to change their current reality has to envision a better one that can replace it, and these folks have amassed enough imagination to expect things that any of the previous stages would scoff at them for. As unrealistic as these expectations and beliefs are, they are the framework for true positivity and genuine optimism, though they will annoy the life out of anyone that came before them.
  7. WWICAA inquiry – What Was I Complaining About Again?
    • WWICAA is another way of asking “was I really that spoiled?” After enough hardship, the troubles start blurring together and the problems become less defined. Not having enough money to pay for lunch isn’t as inconvenient as having your car impounded, which isn’t so bad compared to having one of your livers removed (AUTHOR’S NOTE: count livers later). This will put the person in perspective for the next stage.
  8. IPLAI paradigm – I’m Pretty Lame, Aren’t I?
    • IPLAI people have gotten to a humbling where they realize their worldview is inadequate. Their WWICAA made them see that their past MLS was silly, their old IAUS was self-destructive and that their IFATP was rather short-sighted. This understanding creates a true healing and preparedness for how utterly stupid worse life could get. Ironically, after getting to this stage it rarely gets worse, since this stage is where God had to beat you down to get to in the first place!
  9. TIH-VH – There Is Hope: Visible Hope
    • TIH-VH sees the rest of the duration of the hardship as simply an endurance race, and this is the most healthy place to be. Satan works very hard to keep everyone out of it, and will often find ways to discourage someone back into one of their older stages. TIH-VH is even harder to maintain as a leader or when surrounded by many of the earlier stages.
  10. OIO paradox – Oh, It’s Over
    • Attaining OIO is what everyone wants to get to, but the hardship they endure will outlast their patience for weathering it unchanged. The cycle of hardship forces change, and it’s our decision to stand strong against it.

I shall provide an example from our life to express this process:

My Glooby Woomers was raised in an IAUS home while I was raised in an IFATP one. Though I’ve lived in TIH-BH for a while, my Bumble Wumbers is currently vacillating between TES-IHT and IAUS, the former usually feeling as if it’s TIH-BH in response to mine.

My mom has been in MPIAI, which makes it hard to talk about anything constructive, especially since MPIAI is TIH-BH minus accepting a few parts of reality. My dad lives in constant WWICAA, but never seems to move out of it into anything constructive. This creates a big mess of everyone scrambling to OIO when they aren’t willing to go through IPLAI.

Now that we have a small human, my Honey Boogers and I have witnessed his constant life to be an IAUS/OIO switch with all motivations filtered through TES-IHT. Needless to say, it triggers my Juju Bunny’s own IAUS, making it hard for her to toughen up for IFATP. This, in turn, drags down me from my TIH-BH sometimes into MLS, which fosters further conflict, aggravating all of it.

In short, the suffering of life is inherent, but it’s our own decisions that define how much we can work through it. We’ll all screw up on the way, but there’s nothing wrong with screwing up if you’re screwing in the right direction (AUTHOR’S NOTE: find something that doesn’t sound like innuendo).

Wet Pants

The hardships of daily life have an unmistakable pincer effect. It always seems that the shortcomings in the budget also seem to come at a time that the family dynamics are having a flare-up, the child has a strange-colored fuzzy lump on his eyeball and the government has declared you Public Enemy #1 again.

Survival Tip: The best way to fight the government is to not fight it, especially when the government consists of more people than you or has more money than you.

As a Christian, it is important to stay dedicated to giving the problems to God, but that’s easier said than done. My new theory is that we sabotage ourselves with a psychological phenomenon called Dynamic Education Restructuring Problems.

DERP is when we know what is true, but also know other things that we know are less true but have a gut feeling that it’s more true. Near the bottom of this page I made, there is a list of things that may kill you. Even though you’re more likely to die from playing football than from a shark attack, DERP moves in to clarify to you that you, in fact, should be more afraid of large fish than large padded men.

On the prior blog post I talked about my options to keep my Hummy Nummyers and mini-us from dying of oral shortage. As the designated dying-preventer of these two, I am responsible to keep them non-dead as much as possible.

It’s clear that it won’t serve us well to have our nation provide for us. As a white male, I am an oppressed majority in the eyes of the state. Though my Honey Foofy Booboo Gumdrop is more favorable from her ethnic miscellaneousness, she was a fool to hook up with a honky like me. No cheese for you!

Government Tip: If you want the government to help you, pretend to be helpless. It’s like being a beggar, but the shame is spread out across any American that pays taxes.

As far as employee status is concerned, I came to realize after Interview Fail #327 that I’m not “employee” material:

  1. I’m too experienced: Once you’ve been on an organic farm, been a custodian, managed retirement plans and done full-charge bookkeeping a manager will choose a naive 16-year-old they can bleed dry for 5 years before they choose you.
  2. I’m not experienced enough: I learned quite a bit about management and leadership from researching for making this page series. I also made this one and this one despite not a whole lot of direct work experience in it. Knowledge is a dangerous thing, and simply knowing and internalizing it will change how you carry yourself. Managers don’t like seeing that discrepancy and will grab someone with a decade of boring samey experience.
  3. I’m unpredictable: This one is from my personality. I’m a neophile with an accounting background, a highly analytical guy built like a lineman and secretly autistic in a way where I’m introverted and behave like an extrovert. A manager sees a hole and wants it filled, and they’d rather hire a family man with no social skills.
  4. I’m not that dumb: My mind is built around data, and at the same time I tend to fire it off quickly. Being clever is a liability if you’re the subordinate of a middle manager, since you might steal their job given enough time. Typical managers hire same or dumber.

With all that said, it would be becoming of me to pursue alternative forms of income, but I have to fight the DERP that tells me that I’m going to turn into the same kind of screwup that my uncle seems to publicly advertise whenever he opens his mouth.

Fun Fact: Every single horrible person that has a more well-adjusted sibling has the likelihood of graduating to Creepy Uncle or Weird Aunt status someday. Keep the dream alive.

In fact, there are a few pants-moistening things that I have about going into business for myself. However, since it’s the surface of the sun right now in Southern California, I may as well get some much-needed cooling:

  • I’ve never done it before: This was also once true about walking, but somehow I did it, and was better for the experience, so I’m being a big baby, and there’s only room for one where we’re living.
  • I could screw up royally: This is the same thing as being unemployed, except that you’re spending money. Of course, it takes money to eat and pay bills, so it’s a bit of a moot point.
  • I have other options: I wish I did, but I really don’t. Obviously I’d pursue an employee-ship, but the interviewing process is rigged against people like me. Interviewing as a general concept makes no sense for finding a hole-digger or sales staff, but that commentary isn’t good to say, so I don’t say it.
  • It’s a lonely road: Entrepreneurship is certainly lonely, but it can’t be any more lonely than my magnum opus of a website that I’ve now devoted about 200 hours to.
  • I’m all alone: That’s a bit of horse puckey. Ever since my birthday free meal where my wife got a seizure salad at church and we shared a meatloaf at a hospital, we have seen everyone in that church come alongside us to support and love us. I’m convinced this is a rule more than an exception, and now that I’ve gotten past being a social retard this trend will likely continue.
  • I don’t have the capital: Any business can start really small, and it doesn’t require a whole boatload of savvy to start making a profit. Of course, making a livable profit is the extra challenge, but that should come in time, right?

I’m still baking the ideas, the wife is still homemaking the home and the baby is still getting larger. Time is ticking, and yet it’s not as bleak as some of the other ish we’ve seen. DERP can’t get in the way as long as we keep our wits about us.

Career Tip: DERP is actually a marketable commodity in all walks of life. Just ask TMZ or the government.

Premature Celebration

One detail that was glossed over (or semi-glossed over, depending on which post) was that our baby Victor was born prematurely. This actually makes raising children more convenient and more terrifying at the same time.

A premature baby is still thinking like he’s in the womb, which means their entire life involves one of a few rudimentary elements, and typically with way less crying involved than a full-term:

  • Eating
  • Pooping
  • Whining about uncomfortable things like heat and cold
  • Whining about not feeling comfortable about getting burped
  • Whining about being alone with nobody around
  • Whining because nobody has heard him whining for a while

For all of you folks who consider a baby a lovable bundle of joy with unfettered affection and cuteness, you’re all wrong (except for the cuteness…sometimes).

Life Tip: If you value a decent standing in popular society, don’t ever imply that babies are anything but pure perfection. Their immaculate nature cannot be questioned even when they’re spreading their immaculation all over your best shirts.

The truth is that a baby is quite a carnal creature. They are literally thinking about nothing but themselves, and have a phenomenally short-term memory that vaguely remembers that making loud noises fixes problems.

This loud-noise-fixing-problems solution is fine without a capacity for language or finer motor skills, but thankfully our 2-week-old has now surpassed some of my past bosses in temperance and restraint and absolutely nothing else with stuff.

Life Tip: If you value a decent standing in most of the work world, don’t talk poorly about any idiots you used to work for. Even if it was 10 years ago, their IQ is par golf and their leadership skills aren’t fit to lead a parade, everyone is an especially talented and gifted flower with all the potential that a unicorn’s puke can launch over a rainbow.

Nevertheless, our life slogs onward as we fulfill our doody. Here are a few gleanings of wisdom to bear in mind as a parent:

1. Throw your plans out the window as soon as you’re a parent

Everything in a child’s life is unpredictable. This is normal, and your parenting skills are more tested based on your adaptability than your preparedness. Preparedness is a matter of handling Child #2. Probably.

2. Don’t expect anything except fatigue and disorientation

Sleeplessness is natural for new parents. It feels unnatural, but that’s only because the human body wasn’t designed to wake up every 3 hours to screaming. It also is normal to have to do everything that new parenting requires without a whole lot of confidence, but that also is a jarring study in instinct and learning whatever your own crappy parents never bothered to tell you (now grandparents).

3. Parenting is successful only through connectedness

Our friends and church family have been vitally necessary for us to persist against all improbable odds. They’ve given us moral support, physical help, advice and a metric buttload of information. If it weren’t for them we’d be discovering new ways to ingest legal things to get an illegal experience from it.

All in all, being a parent is wonderful (or so I’ve heard), minus the initial investments, which is what we’re currently doing. When we’re not trying to maintain the small new human, we’re trying to survive on our own.

Imagine a low-maintenance custodial job. Every 3-4 hours someone barges into your office screaming incomprehensibly for you to clean or maintain something. The client stays screaming at you making your ears bleed until you do what he was trying to get at. This is newborn parenting, except that there’s never a day off, most of your paycheck is withheld for about a year and you get publicly shame-stared for bringing the miniature person along when they decide that Their Highness wants a wiped hiney.

That’s not completely true. A baby in public merits about as much attention as one could want. Apparently, the best way to magnify this experience is so common through Facebook that only a few baby photos has everyone screaming “pics or it didn’t happen!”

Amidst this chaotic rhythm, I’ve been making headway in that eternal question “what do I want to be when I grow up?” Since I done growed up, I’ve been brainstorming a few avenues to go that can keep my Honey Dumplings and Junior from suffering from defoodration:

1. Wait on God

Ah, the waiting, the endless and wonderful Waiting On The Lord that all believers love to do. This is a great thing to do, but good night it’s hard!

Technically, everything that happens has been permitted by God, meaning that whatever door opens is the one He wants for us, but you can’t steer a parked car and a mossy stone doesn’t gather rolls.

2. Mooch off the government

I’ve had a difficult time taking from my Uncle Sam, largely because he’s a bit of an Indian giver. He’s there for me, but only as long as I’m demographically of a certain persuasion. He sees me when I’m sleeping, he knows when I’m awake, he enforces when I’ve been bad or good but I’ve been good for goodness sake.

Apparently my family’s desire for self-sufficiency is offensive to those who love the government, so that’s all my well-tuned and overactive sense of restraint and privacy will express on the matter. Needless to say, this is a last-resort, but more on the principle of freedom than any sort of pride.

3. Vend Experience

I’ve been kicking around ideas to turn my Philosopher Accountant dream into something viable. It would involve seminars/webinars/stuff that give just the straight dirt on about every self-help issue that really matters.

This will take a ton of work, along with a good handful of others who share the vision, but it could be done. Right now it’s a matter of figuring out if it’s worth the effort, and filling out this survey will help tremendously on that!

4. Do something else

I’ve been kicking around ideas for a courier service and an art business with my wife as well, but it’s hard to get traction without feedback. Of course, being a new father makes brainstorming more of a general brainclouding.

There’s always a good idea that hasn’t been discovered yet, and I’d like to hear it if you’ve got it. The world is my oyster, and like real oysters it’s unlikely that I’ll succeed. However, since God has been guiding us this far it’s reasonably likely that we’re not going to fail yet!

Family Tip: Don’t just hope for miracles, live by them!

Baby Steps

The last time I shared a thing, our life was rudely shaken by my wife’s compulsive twitching. Her assets were seized by an OB/GYN doctor, and then he did a sew-sew job on tying up all her loose ends.

Family Tip: The best way to keep a family together is through superglue, but nobody ever takes my advice.

Once her discharging stopped and she had recharged enough, our baby Victor-poo (emphasis on poo) was discharged and our actual charge of the baby had enlarged.

There’s a reason it’s called “child rearing”. It has a lot to do with the rear. Feeding should be 8 times a day and 2-4 ounces per feeding. That chestmilk/alienfood has to go somewhere, and successful feeding will involve burping them to allow for digestion to travel one way. Butt I digress.

The first steps of parenting are actually pretty darn easy. The only thing you lose is sleep and the only things that change in your life is your furniture, friends, sense of responsibility and personal hygiene.

A church is most accurately defined by the love and connection of its members. My Hoggy Waddles and I have lost count of how many people have swung into our lives to support us, encourage us, feed us, clothe the baby and educate us on the finer points of keeping the small person alive and free from doing things that burn the house down.

Parenting Tip: I’m completely kidding about the fire thing. That doesn’t happen until 16 months.

All seriousness aside, having a child is awesome! It’s Greg & Vicky: The Remix. You get to see all sorts of funny little quirks that you never realized were genetic, and then you start seeing them immediately try to imitate the ones that aren’t!

Life Tip: The easiest way to have an easy time parenting is to be a boring person. The child will have the personality of a Pet Rock™ and will only need occasional watering and feeding.

The challenges would probably be there, but my Gummy Wubbers and I have a pretty dang adequate relationship, and therefore we only argue once a day about something our sleep-decrepit brains have decided to cook up for the sake of keeping each other awake.

Everyone says that it’s only the beginning, and it’s clear that raising a child is a bit like purgatory. However, like the mighty Sisyphus, your greatest efforts are never enough. Unlike Sisyphus, it’s all worth it. Or so they say at least.

Family Tip: Parenting is a never-ending cascade of misery and joy with no break in between, a bit like pet ownership or Volkswagen ownership.

Hey, Baby!

After the two of us deliberating the insides of my eyeballs for a few hours, we are now conscious enough to create ideas with thoughts and formed connections to a greater purpose.

Life Tip: Consciousness is rarely overrated, unless you have a crappy job.

Our lives have been entrenched in the hospital-shaped box, but it’s been a good sort of entrenched:

  • Vicky Wiggums’ health is improving. She can now use the bathroom like a young person and is able to walk like a spritely old man.
  • Baby Tot’s health is improving. He was hypoglycemic when he came out, but hasn’t had any IV sugar for the past 24 hours, and the only concern is that he keeps getting food in through his face.
  • I’ll be able to run a few errands, including getting this kid a certified birth with a certificate to prove it, making my hygienic level presentable to the average hobo, and paying off a few bills while I’m out.

With parenting, I’ve already learned a few lessons, if you other human beings are interested:

1. Parenting is EXTREMELY short-sighted

If you are a parent, you aren’t going to be concerned about the next five years. This is simply by virtue of the fact that there are 8,496 things to do between then and now, 45% of those things are brand-spanking new to you, 28% of them don’t really matter because of unforeseen circumstances that will change the situation entirely and 10% of them are things you already know that you don’t know and know that you can’t know until you know from having to know through experience.

2. Parenting either fixes dysfunction or aggravates it

Okay, imagine you’re hanging out smoking weed or doing something else legal and equally stupid. Then imagine that someone hands you control of a stray dog kennel. Obviously that is an added responsibility that you’re going to have to figure out what to do. If you’re a big waste of space you’ll do nothing and let the dogs go feral inside their cages before they break free and ingest the local population, but if you’re a reasonably responsible human being you will rise to the challenge and become all sorts of a dog lover over time.

The same thing applies to parenting, but it has the added advantage of that person looking half like you and half like the person you had intimate relations with. This magnifies the involvement you’re going to have with them, and also brings out your need to change in response to the little bag of needs bundle of joy.

3. Parenting is all about failing

If you want to be a parent, you’re not allowed to be a perfectionist. Most new parents fail to recognize this, and imagine a pristine antiseptic-filled paradise of edutainment and developmental toys as far as the little gremlin’s eyes can see.

Pay close attention to the second child onward. Have you ever noticed that the eldest gets treated like Prince Wants-A-Lot while the other kids are given slightly better preferential treatment over neighbors’ kids? This is for a reason.


All in all, to be a parent is to have failed, to have a strong dose of reality, and to be admitted into a fraternal part of society regarded as weather-worn, hardworking and socially inept. It’s worth the cost.