As you all may know by now and as evidenced by all the previous blog posts, I state many things that are politically correct. Amidst those politically correct things I also say many politically incorrect ones, but I still can honestly testify that all of my conjunctions and punctuation are politically correct.
The reason why is because I have decided to campaign for Beaumont, California’s city council! After discovering this article in my daily newsemail, I figured that I could probably do as good a job as everyone else in there has been doing, if this website is any indication.
Therefore, I put in my application. After thinking long enough and hard about the questions, I submitted it for review:
- Why are you interested in serving on the city council at this particular time?
I believe in serving my country and community, and after hearing of the continued stories of Beaumont’s government having corruption tied to it, I desire to take the strong values I’ve developed through my moral convictions and accounting experience and render it for the common good. The city council would simply be a means to that end.
- Describe your personality, and how you would deal with differing personalities.
I have a strong and commanding presence, but tend to be selective in what I speak about. I believe there is always a “third option” worth finding, and my highly analytical tendencies mixed with a creative streak drives me to that end. Others would describe me as amiable, generous, committed, direct and forward-thinking.
- Based on your life experiences, what tools would you bring to this city council team?
I’ve been dredged through the bottom of society, and I understand fully what it’s like to be destined for failure and rise above it. My work experience spans half a dozen industries, and I’m relentlessly determined to solve the problems that sit in front of me. The city council team would utilize my gifts most effectively with a seemingly impossible or improbable challenge ahead of them.
- What do you see as the roles and responsibilities of the city council as a body, and what do you think makes a good council member?
The city council is a body meant to serve the people of the city as representatives of it. A council works on behalf of the citizens of the city as a whole, and since the ideologies can vary vastly a good council member will represent the values and ideas inherent to the city and work to the best interests of the collective masses.
- What do you see as the major issue(s) or challenges currently facing the city, and why?
Most of the issues connected to the city’s governance are tied to corruption, allegations of corruption, high taxes from prior corruption, poor city services from prior financial management and a general image problem from all of the above. I don’t think I need to go into too many specifics, since the person reading this has all of the details already.
- Please provide a brief statement on how you view the following:
Projects: a. Potrero Interchange Project b. Economic development c. Housing growth
a. The Potrero interchange isn’t an inherently bad idea, but a rather expensive one. Unless an end is in sight and attainable by conservative estimates it will likely become a boondoggle and then a punchline.
b. Economic development is easier than it may appear. If it’s possible to cut taxes in any redundant departments, then it will attract business owners. As it currently stands, California is suffering a brain drain from the best skills moving to lower-tax states. Make Beaumont a lovely incentive and they’ll consider here as home.
c. Beaumont is at a critical juncture. If it’s not careful, it will become a zoning patchwork quilt that places a universal damper on property values. With that said, zoning for tract homes should be limited to allow the rest of the region to catch up with it. It may increase population and taxation, but it will come at the cost of the beauty and attractiveness of being a hybrid of countryside and mainline California city.
- Where do you see the city in the next 5 years? 10 years?
At its current trajectory, I see the city having thousands more homes with a large portion of them being commuters. The city will become a higher-valued city, and Banning will have taken its place as “that one city everyone lives in but can’t find a job in”.
In 10 years, I don’t really know. However, my guess is that the trend will continue and Beaumont property values will climb as strip malls and copy-paste housing crowds out anything original or memorable to the town.
I anticipate the phone will be ringing off the hook soon with those statements. Notice how I didn’t affirm the quality of the current city council. This ensures that they’ll want to earn my respect by bringing me on-board. I also didn’t shy away from their corruption image problem. This demonstrates bravery, and I’m sure they’ll provide a ticker-tape parade in my honor even if they don’t hasten to put me in office.
I’m just kidding. This probably got me on their watch-list. It will probably lead to me accidentally drowning in my shower stall when nobody was watching or I go on a spontaneous vacation to West Greenland and never come back. If I die, tell my family I love them and will see them later when God finally sorts out this mess we call a planet and tell my extended family that they suck.
There’s probably a middle ground in there somewhere, though. Most likely, this will be my rising stardom of 45 minutes ago cut down in its prime before it could reach the heavens, ever fated to be scorned by the powers that be simply due to a dramatic injustice grounded in Bluntophobia and everything truly un-American.