Trauma Off-Center

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words take years of therapy.

As much as successful living provides meaningful and enriching experiences, the lifestyle of a former emotional abuse victim yields intermittent bittersweet sensations that run the risk of souring everything good in the world.

Family Tip: The best way to deflect emotional trauma is to blame everyone around you. Not only does it make them all feel like you, it means they can share in the experience of feeling like a worthless piece of garbage!

This troubling feeling will haunt you for years after those losers go to meet the Lord, but it comes out in uniquely different ways for different people.

In my past, I would simply have a massive existential crisis every time my childhood was triggered. I was raised to become ineffectively philosophical at the first sign of conflict (don’t ask) and then crawl inside my head until the secrets of the universe and, therefore, the conflict were discovered. It didn’t work, but it did give a nice Brain Age: Misery Version workout. Obviously it’s hard to have friends with that kind of behavior.

On the other hand, my Hummy Wummer Kippers would simply pretend to be a statue with all the fortitude and wisdom of a possum defending itself against an oncoming 18-wheeler. Friends were easy to come by with this technique, but in the same way that goldfish have an easy time finding loving owners.

Friend Tip: If you ever become someone’s “pet friend” don’t worry! All you need to do is become successful in a way they haven’t attained yet and you’ll be back to being without friends in no time!

All of this not-contacting-the-organisms-that-spawned-us-for-reasons has promoted tremendous growth, and I’m happy to say that we are significantly in the emotional black starting off Q3 2017. Our friendships could never be better, we both share in all sorts of self-respect, and projected estimates indicate that the small human with us will far exceed the past’s benchmarks.

However, in the midst of all this gaiety, the two of us are still contending with some fascinatingly uncomfortable new paradigm shifts.

Gregtopia is still filled with landmines all over. I could be talking about chili powder with my Dovey Blubber Foofs and will recall how she will prepare amazing food that my mother’s sexism found disgraceful. Thankfully, I now have landmine-resistant sandals, so the turmoil leaves within about 10 minutes.

On the other hand, Vickzchniastan has a few deactivated nukes sitting around her playgrounds and municipal water systems. Last Saturday, for example, we visited Laguna beach (which she used to love) and she hated it for multiple reasons (because she now hates it). For her, though, she now vacuums up the radiation with an EZ-Nuke shopvac, so the trauma only lasts about 12-60 hours at a time instead of at least a week.

In all of this shifting and changing and rearranging and reinventing, we both forgot what we like doing!

Though I enjoy writing and can video of the YouTubing, I don’t know what angle to go at it. The worst part is that I have about 5 choices to choose from:

  1. Make a video series about whatever the heck comes to mind, inspired by Adam Ruins Everything and my website
  2. Write something fictional that has likely been done before
  3. Write something fictional that probably hasn’t been done before
  4. Write a non-fictional account of my 35 jobs in 12 years
  5. Write a non-fictional account of the cult-like culture of marketing

At the same time, my Shooby Dooby is also having a creative slump:

  1. Making jewelry and other woman-targeted decorations
  2. Make books from scratch, magic and love
  3. Make and modify clothing for small people
  4. Make decorations for houses, mobile homes, RVs and tents
  5. Illustrate and draw random things

Pro Tip: The best way to achieve all your goals is to do nothing, since you can always succeed at that.

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