Trauma Off-Center

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words take years of therapy.

As much as successful living provides meaningful and enriching experiences, the lifestyle of a former emotional abuse victim yields intermittent bittersweet sensations that run the risk of souring everything good in the world.

Family Tip: The best way to deflect emotional trauma is to blame everyone around you. Not only does it make them all feel like you, it means they can share in the experience of feeling like a worthless piece of garbage!

This troubling feeling will haunt you for years after those losers go to meet the Lord, but it comes out in uniquely different ways for different people.

In my past, I would simply have a massive existential crisis every time my childhood was triggered. I was raised to become ineffectively philosophical at the first sign of conflict (don’t ask) and then crawl inside my head until the secrets of the universe and, therefore, the conflict were discovered. It didn’t work, but it did give a nice Brain Age: Misery Version workout. Obviously it’s hard to have friends with that kind of behavior.

On the other hand, my Hummy Wummer Kippers would simply pretend to be a statue with all the fortitude and wisdom of a possum defending itself against an oncoming 18-wheeler. Friends were easy to come by with this technique, but in the same way that goldfish have an easy time finding loving owners.

Friend Tip: If you ever become someone’s “pet friend” don’t worry! All you need to do is become successful in a way they haven’t attained yet and you’ll be back to being without friends in no time!

All of this not-contacting-the-organisms-that-spawned-us-for-reasons has promoted tremendous growth, and I’m happy to say that we are significantly in the emotional black starting off Q3 2017. Our friendships could never be better, we both share in all sorts of self-respect, and projected estimates indicate that the small human with us will far exceed the past’s benchmarks.

However, in the midst of all this gaiety, the two of us are still contending with some fascinatingly uncomfortable new paradigm shifts.

Gregtopia is still filled with landmines all over. I could be talking about chili powder with my Dovey Blubber Foofs and will recall how she will prepare amazing food that my mother’s sexism found disgraceful. Thankfully, I now have landmine-resistant sandals, so the turmoil leaves within about 10 minutes.

On the other hand, Vickzchniastan has a few deactivated nukes sitting around her playgrounds and municipal water systems. Last Saturday, for example, we visited Laguna beach (which she used to love) and she hated it for multiple reasons (because she now hates it). For her, though, she now vacuums up the radiation with an EZ-Nuke shopvac, so the trauma only lasts about 12-60 hours at a time instead of at least a week.

In all of this shifting and changing and rearranging and reinventing, we both forgot what we like doing!

Though I enjoy writing and can video of the YouTubing, I don’t know what angle to go at it. The worst part is that I have about 5 choices to choose from:

  1. Make a video series about whatever the heck comes to mind, inspired by Adam Ruins Everything and my website
  2. Write something fictional that has likely been done before
  3. Write something fictional that probably hasn’t been done before
  4. Write a non-fictional account of my 35 jobs in 12 years
  5. Write a non-fictional account of the cult-like culture of marketing

At the same time, my Shooby Dooby is also having a creative slump:

  1. Making jewelry and other woman-targeted decorations
  2. Make books from scratch, magic and love
  3. Make and modify clothing for small people
  4. Make decorations for houses, mobile homes, RVs and tents
  5. Illustrate and draw random things

Pro Tip: The best way to achieve all your goals is to do nothing, since you can always succeed at that.


No New Adventures

One of the troubles with daily life is just how daily it is. As much as it would be nice to resolve all things immediately, God decided in His infinite wisdom to not let our dumb little impatiences and inane requests ruin the experience He meticulously crafted for those who He has called His children.

My job has been going quite well, and after years of desiring a coveted title followed by about 6 months of no longer caring about it I have now progressed in career capacity to the official work environment of “supervisor”.

Employment Tip: Your boss is just as human as you, but their authority comes solely from the fact that they can make you deeply consider your career decisions if you make them angry enough.

Now, granted, I’m working in a temporary position but, God-willing, I will be transitioned into a more permanent role. This doesn’t bother me too much, since the way I’ve discovered this role was by the pure fluke chance of God’s provision via random chance, but that’s a story for another day.

This job has forced my Scooby Bumpers and I to really really slow down on our life decisions. It’s amazing what a little bit of normalcy can do to your ability to relax!

Relaxation Tip: Never relax all the muscles in your body at once. If you do you’ll get a heart attack and large brown mess, in that order.

In this relative normalcy, God has Trumped our comfort zones and been draining the swamp. It hasn’t been very Hillarious, and we can honestly say that our congress in rectifying our feelings hasn’t reached a resolution.

Politics Tip: Fat people on Facebook are a reliable form of mass media, and even with the political discourse as heated as it is I don’t give two Pence worth about it.

Several months ago, God stomped out my selfish desire to be a missionary. In my ambition to over-zealously compensate for my horrible upbringing, I forgot that God needed to be glorified for it to happen. The current season has solidified this realization by teaching me to “tend the sheep” like Moses before I scale upwards later, though it’s a wife and son in this case instead of a bunch of dumb animals.

On the other end of the family chromosome mix is my dear Tubey Floobers, and recently the battle has been connected to discovering massive trust issues brought about by her mother. The trouble with trust issues is that it’s kinda hard to tell someone they have trust issues, and that has been a strange bickering and fighting ordeal loving and intimate connection between the two of us.

Logic Tip: Don’t bother wasting your time calling someone a liar or a hypocrite unless you have an audience. They always build a paradox to keep their facade real inside their mind. This statement is false, and you’re an idiot for thinking it isn’t.

Thankfully, we’re moving forward, but man God has a sense of timing that’s irritatingly slower than ours! At least the baby is getting bigger from all that food, and a bigger baby means a larger food bill, so that’s not necessarily a better thing.

So, overall, not much happening, except that we’re just carrying on in this season of dullness. Obviously, this isn’t to say it’s going to stay that way. Right now we’re still playing catchup with my past unemployment.

The great thing about saving money is that you get a chance to not die because someone in the payroll department took a vacation to visit Anchorage for a few weeks and left the temp without many instructions on how to carry on the work. The downside is that once you do acquire a means of gainful and legal money-making, it takes a few months to get back to living off of your prior paycheck.

Once money becomes more of a thing, we’ll have more fun and do more other things that take money, but for right now it’s simply waiting and getting older and closer to dying without doing all 354 things we want to do.

Family Tip: If you don’t like taking care of babies, just wait 3 years and they’ll stop being babies. It also is safer if you don’t wash them, since it can protect you from throwing the baby out with the bath water.