Wasteful Thinking

In recovering from many tragedies, we often attribute the answer to be an instantaneous conversion from the previously inopportune circumstance. More often than not, however, the reality of it is that we have to wait upon the provision of our solution.

This isn’t to say it’s hopeless. In fact, waiting on the answer to happen is significantly more enjoyable than waiting on the answer to become obvious. Arguably, most of the waiting a Christian will make is of the oblivious variety, but sometimes He’s nice enough to clue us in if He knows it won’t make us wet our pants.

Speaking of wet pants, the avoidance of doing so usually involves a toilet in the West, and that has been one of the more engaging matters we’ve been ruminating and reading upon.

Social Media Tip: It’s not good to share crap on the Internet, but it’s perfectly normal to talk about crap, so here we are.

For you newer readers, my Slurry Sealers and I have been living in a large fifth-wheel recreational vehicle from the early 1980’s. We received it from a pair of Christian siblings (Chris & Chloe Milligan, if you want to give a shoutout) that saw our complete destitution and gave it more lovingly than our then-stingy pride was willing to accept. A few months later God finally humbled us enough to accept it without hesitation, and they have been generous in letting us stay on their property in exchange for me doing miscellaneous things for them.

The first project was to make the roof stop imitating Swiss cheese, and that was a week of hard OSHA-uncertified labor. The second was pulling out the original vintage chic carpet and laying stick-on tiles. The third was curtains to keep the sun from making us die.

From there, the projects were put on hold for a while due to NMS (No Money Syndrome). With my rather amazing job at UPS, the work is continuing, starting with the second-greatest need known to man, which closely follows the first: a place to poop.

Sales Tip: As much as turd-polishing is considered best practices in much of the marketing world, they’re not usually being literal, though there are probably exceptions for manure sales.

This RV has trouble moving objects forward sometimes. A toilet, as you may know, runs a long conduit down from the hole you sit on into either a municipal system or, like in our case, a septic tank. Somebody in Engineering probably fell asleep at the drafting board and designed the thing to travel at a right angle. The man is now probably collecting his pension, but we still have to suffer his oversight, as a 90° angle serves as a crappy way to expedite the flow of goods to its intended destination.

An additional problem is that our black water valve doesn’t work, which makes the fancy RV breakdown fluids hard to use. It can stay open with a prybar and several hours away from other humans or can be hammered closed, and the budget requires us to wait on a new valve, since me being able to wear clothes to work and drive to work without an exploding car is slightly more important.

This hole problem has lent us some alternative approaches, and we’ve made a new business plan for it. We only have a few answers right now, but the Specialized Committee for Abatement of Toiletries (SCAT) made up of my Poopy Pushers and I have a few options at our disposal:

  1. We have a long snake that just barely reaches the bottom of the toilet, but it’s only long enough to touch on the problem approximately 47.356% of the time.
  2. There are some leftover garbage garden hoses sitting around the property, and we can often give a solid shove with a purging enema, but sometimes it backfires.
  3. Once we’ve gotten the black water valve replaced, we can start using heavy chemicals the way God intended.
  4. In the meantime, we’ve figured out that moist waste is moving waste, and the best way is to take a page from nature and keep it hydrated and topped off with water.

This problem may actually become a protracted one, since it keeps popping up and flowing abundantly over, and we’ve learned many life lessons through all of this. They are certain to serve to improve the quality of life for us in the long-term (somehow).

  • Liquid waste is worse than dried waste.
  • Dead maggots are easier to clean up than living ones, and those suckers get fat when they’ve got lots of food!
  • Human waste starts smelling like compost when you leave it in an enclosed space for 2 weeks
  • Most importantly, healthy eating makes it all better.

Hygiene Tip: When the weather outside gets frightful and you have no place to go, let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.

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