Fighting Conveniently

Note: the following post involves very morbid themes including unemployment, family disagreements, cat poop and sewing. To protect the innocent, the names and places have not been changed. Viewer discretion isn’t advised.

My Snubbly Wuggles and I have seen the Lord work miraculously so far, and it seems like we’re in a small bit of downtime to permit Him to keep working.

As much as my bold and intrepid personality dislikes revisiting things that have already been visited, a colleague of a friend of a wife has given the opportunity to dive back into the numerically pleasant and systemically rigid world of accounting. Nothing guaranteed, but we’ll see how this new adventure goes.

Accounting Tip: People think accounting isn’t adventurous or glamorous, but those people have obviously never discovered the joyful exhilaration of an audit or the beautiful intricate sexiness of a well-run inventory management system.

Along with that aspiration, we continue to fight the ever-flowing onslaught of crap in two ways. The first comes from our black cat’s inability to digest food like a healthy organism and the second comes from the two weirdos that made my Yummer Bumpers into the brilliant and PTSD-ridden beautiful young woman she is today.

In all sincerity, they’re trying their best, given that they refuse to change themselves or their views about how undeniably horrible I am.

They’re trying, though. They were able to make it to our wedding venue for our wedding only 7 and a half months late! When my Fuzzy Boo Boo Bunny Splitters didn’t reply back within a few days, they felt so obligated to micro-love her that they visited my parents’ house to make a public embarrassment of themselves in the hopes that she would come to reason and finally divorce my miserable self.

Family Tip: Dumb family needs love too, but there’s no shame in delivering a bit of hard love in a nice inviting package of bluntness. Actually, there’s a LOT of shame, but that’s them giving it, hence the packaging.

One of the funny ironies of guilt trips is that using one sacrifices any position of power you were holding. Therefore, if you really want to keep any dominance in the conflict, you’re basically hoping that the other person has a soft spot in their heart head that they can utilize.

They had commented on meeting that night, and upon discussion we figured we’d hustle and get this hanging to-do about their control issues out of the way. Unfortunately, we weren’t completely prepared for what happened next.

Writing Tip: All of a sudden, the unspeakable happened! From out of nowhere what everyone dreaded was more real than ever before, and nobody saw how it had happened. As the prepositions slowly subsided, they all saw that it was a really dumb way to pad the writing and make it feel more important than it actually was.

The two of them ran away. I left a very genuine and pleasantly confrontational voice message, and the two of them still haven’t responded. It’s a great way to wrap up a lame sitcom plot, but a lousy way to be people.

Anyway, that’s it for now, except that I’m also now trying out YouTube videos for fun. I made one here, and I’ll probably make more when I’m bored or not cleaning cat butt soup.


Cat-astrophic RV’ing

Well, the two of us have been hard at work. We finally rectified the roofing hole problem enough to survive most monsoon-grade rain by removing the carpet and installing tile floors, and have now fixed our lack of things to do with getting a cat with diarrhea.

Homeowners Tip: When picking pets, make sure it’s a foo-foo pampered pet that ate nicer food than you from one of those premium stores. That way, when they eat what not-rich people feed their pets you can remember how nice non-diarrhea is.

The best part of this cat is that he’s properly trained for the indoors. He walks all over everything with the assumption that it’s his property, uses the litterbox with all the finesse of a drunk man hungover in the bathroom and doesn’t have the decency to run away and chase something off in the distance just because it looked fun to eat.

We actually do like our cat, but we both forgot how utterly stupid cats are. It’s not that they are suffering from a genetically shared brain hemorrhage as much as they presume everyone else is dumber than they are.

Owning a cat is a great reminder of the Christian vice of pride. It doesn’t matter how intelligent, knowledgeable, gifted or clever you are; what matters is your ability to accurately estimate it in others.

It’s entertaining seeing Waylon (we didn’t name him) sprint for the off-limits bedroom and then stop as soon as I step in the way to pretend that he was just strolling that way without any particular goal in mind, but how many people do you know that do that with a bit more sophistication to hide it?

One such individual that has decided to connect with my Bimpy Blimpers was her mother. As much as I desire our reconciliation with her mother, it needs to be the type of reconciliation that doesn’t involve anyone self-abasing, self-abusing, repenting for things they didn’t do or making travel arrangements for guilt trips.

Relationship Tip: As fun as a guilt trip sounds, don’t go on one. It’s like taking drugs but without that initial kick that makes it feel all sorts of fun.

Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. My Gummy Yummers was raised to make an outright confession of all things at the first sign of silence, but that wiring went the way of the filament light bulb: it’s still there but fast going out of style.

Mixed into this frothy foray of foreboding frustration is the need for more income. God clearly sent me out of my past job, but He’s been intentionally vague about what the next one is. The work was clearly to make an inhabitable RV our new home, but the new question is prevalently about how to pay for things like food and rent and clothes that can fit my Dippy Slippers’ ever-growing small person compartment.

Parenting Tip: If you’re pregnant and feel ugly and inadequate, just be happy about how much better things are now than they will be once the human goes from egg to larva.

Thankfully, the Lord has clear plans for us, and either we are a pair of pathetic believers in a false God or we will be redeemed once again. He was there when I lived homeless in my car, He was there when she nearly committed suicide because of Bob Jones’ cult-ure, He was there when my parents consistently overstimulated their autistic child into fits of rage that were blamed on him, and He is here now taking care of us as we walk.

Faith Tip: Don’t hope for miracles; live by them. It worked for the Soviet Union, and in Soviet Russia faith has you!