I’ve always found it phenomenal how much change can happen in such a short period of time. The last thing I posted was that my Gooby-Woober is now eating for two, and literally everything has taken a shift from point.
Life Tip: Don’t have a baby until you’re ready. It’s harder to do than you might think, but Buddhist monks do it all the time!
The two of us have been working to better ourselves. Her mom was a hoarder, and she’s been making leaps and bounds to minimize the extraneous possessions that represent American citizenship.
I’ve had to remove the vestigial connections to my worldly goods as well. We both stumbled upon the brilliant idea of creating Diet Mementos. All the memories, none of the physical space. Apparently they invented this new device called a Cah Meruh that can actually preserve an image indefinitely!
Fun Tip: The next time you’re trying to throw a party, try out one of the new Facebooks to let everyone know!
Our adventures in condensation have been partly inspired by a bold shared desire for minimalism. We’ve realized that we’re Inconveniently American, meaning that we have too much stuff and too much attachment to it.
Pro Tip: Stuff is good, until it becomes too much stuff, then it becomes bad.
Many moons ago, I heard that a Christian’s life will slowly shift from the attitude of loving things and using people to loving people and using things. This epiphany is coming full-circle, and we have been purging years’ worth of useless junk we held onto because of how much meaning it had for us (see: petty).
Friend Tip: The best way to avoid painful experiences with former friends is either through dementia or never having friends.
As we used the Cah Meruh to computerize our past and remove its physical weight on our lives, we have been running across Memory Mines. These are little landmines of memories about the past that are set off as we step into a trinket that reminds us of what our prepubescent minds had decided it was best to never remember again.
Note: If you ever encounter a Memory Mine the best thing to do is to panic and scream loudly. The memories get scared off that way, and it really impresses the neighbors!
This whole thing is necessary, though. Vicky and I both have terrible backgrounds with well-meaning and psychologically inept contributors that tore into our hypersensitive and socially retarded minds like gravy at a bulemics’ convention.
Health Tip: Bulimia is bad for the teeth. Try not throwing up to resolve that, or cycle between eating and anorexia several times a day for a good alternative lifestyle.
Among this flabbergastery of pernicious punctiliousness, I have also undertaken the oft-praised and rarely executed task of bettering myself through the art of Trying Over Awkward Situations To Make A Soliloquy, Though Erring Redundant Silliness, or TOASTMASTERS.
Social Tip: Humans are complicated, with their stupid rules and silly hats and dumb things they believe. I guess this isn’t really a Tip, is it? It’s more of a rant. Well, then just don’t do that thing I just said. There, that’s a tip.
I delivered my first speech today. I like to think I didn’t fail spectacularly, but in some ways that’s nicer than failing boringly. I give myself an A for effort and a not-A for execution.
Anyway, I’m speaking out of a combination of delirium and fatigue. Women complain forever minus a day about their morning sickness, but it’s rare to find men who complain about hearing the morning sickness and seeing their Fluffy Honey Cracker Tipplers all in a tiffy wiff over some small growing person the size of a half-eaten olive. I think it’s because I’m uniquely special.
Marriage Tip: Don’t tell my wife I said this. She is a delicate flower who wouldn’t bear to hear the struggles of the man she has chosen to marry. Also, I value my spleen.